Due to Extenuating Circumstances

Reasons My Baby is Crying

One year old edition:

1. He is not allowed to stick his head in the living room trash can
2. I won’t let him eat splinters the cat has scratched off of the baskets that were supposed to be a tasteful and low-budget place to put away toys in the living room
3. He waved a plastic spoon at the cat, the cat tried to catch it in his claws, and it scared him. Which then scared the cat. I now have a crying baby and an actual, substantive scaredy cat in my living room.
4. The baby isn’t allowed to throw Cheerios at me while I’m trying to feed him food that contains anything other than Cheerios
5. The Cheerios are damp because he drooled on them
6. The Cheerios are missing because he threw them on the ground
7. We’re out of Cheerios
8. Mommy left him alone to put on pants that can be seen outside the house so she can BUY MORE FUCKING CHEERIOS WHAT, DID YOUR BIRTH PARENTS BUY YOU STOCK IN GENERAL MILLS?
9. Daddy can be heard on the stairs but not seen.
10. Daddy can be seen in the kitchen but isn’t talking directly to him.
11. Daddy is looking at him and talking to him but he wants the cat.
12. He’s not allowed to eat paper towels
13. He’s not allowed to suck on the ends of computer charging cords
14. He is only allowed one episode of Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood a day, and that’s 7/8 more of an episode than Mommy can handle without doing something more stimulating, like sticking her hand in a Veg-O-Matic
15. He wonders why his train stops rolling when it hits something
16. He stood up using the bottom of the couch for support then got scared of heights
17. He smelled his own fart and got angry
18. He saw a picture of himself on my phone then got sad when the screen went blank
19. “Rock Out Elmo” fell over and it looks like he’s having a seizure
    • OK, I’ll give him that one
20. I came in from shoveling snow and directly went to put my cold hands in his pajamas to change his diaper.
    • OK, I give him that one, too.