Due to Extenuating Circumstances

Adventures in Unplanned Parenthood

The Vacation

So. I have been on parenting vacation. I didn’t go anywhere special, just bed, because I obtained some sort of nasty laryngitis, coughing, pain…I don’t even know what all was going on. It was bad.

My parents frequently say if there’s anything they can do to help, they will. What’s really cool about that is they mean it, it’s not like when a co-worker you know the name of, but not how they spell it, falls off their roof and breaks a tibia and you say “if there’s anything I can do, let me know!” but you’re both safe that won’t occur because that co-worker does remember how to spell your name, he just doesn’t like you all that well. My parents help a LOT. In this case, I thought it would be two days, but now it has been six.

Why six, you ask? (I hope). Because when I called to find out how my son was doing, my voice sounded like something Voldemort dredged up from the bowels of Hell. Even I thought I sounded bad. The next day, there was no sound at all except for at one note. All trained actors do extensive vocal work to be able to manipulate the voice for multiple reasons. We need it to project, or still be clear while we’re crying, or sing in the chorus, whatever. My training taught me that when all other sound is locked through laryngitis, you may have one note relaxed enough to work. I ran through my exercises, and sure enough, there it was. I could only be heard at that note. I tried it out on Ian.

Ian mostly looked forlorn that Wife Unable to Speak Week was cancelled. But I still couldn’t get the baby back, because imagine what it would do to the psyche of a 16 month old, to hear his mother say “good night, sweetie, let’s tuck you in tight” in a single note, a low growl that has no intonation or variation of sound. Forget sleeping; the first memory of me would be the day he learned that Rosemary’s baby might not have been the problem, maybe somebody should have looked at Rosemary.

That’s it. All it took was an illness that made me feel cruddy and sound like a Deatheater, and Baby got six days, all-inclusive resort vacation with Grandma.

I have GOT to ask my voice teacher if I can replicate that sound without the illness, because another resort vacation for Baby would be fantastic around the time Mac and I have our anniversary…

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